Not Another Bad CATS Fic
by PSYchOtiC-teNdencieS
Summary: Warning: unnecessary angst, unexpected romance, unusual slash, inevitable rape, violent love triangles, nonsensical plot twists, uncalled-for ooc-ness, and obscure internet references. :D


**WARNING**: This is quite probably the stupidest fic you will ever read.

And I'm not saying that all fics using these plot devices are bad. Some of the best of the best do these kinds of things. It's just funny how _many_ of them use the same plots and character quirks, quite a few of which don't quite work...

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Not Another Bad Cats Fic

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It was a beautiful day in the junkyard (go figure), so all the Jellicles decided to hang out in the clearing where they held their annual balls. Balls... as in dances...

...Anyway, everybody was there, doing all hunky-dory, when suddenly one of the twins said something most alarming.

"Dude, the sky is falling," Coricopat drawled in a drowsy voice, pointing up at the... very intact sky...

"By GOD!" Skimbleshanks declared, rushing over to Coricopat and frantically seizing his shoulders. "I instantly believe you, because you're obviously psychic!"

"Right on, man," Tantomile conceded in a voice almost equally intoxicated-sounding as her brother's. But there could be no possibility that these clearly mysterious and paranormal cats were, in fact, stoned, causing them to behave so strangely. No indeed, it made much more sense that they were having a vision.

"You _look_ like a man," Coricopat giggled.

"_You _look like a man," Tantomile retorted.

"Do _not_!"

Skimbleshanks rushed back over to the side of the clearing at which he was initially sitting to pass the dreadful information on to Munkustrap, who as it happened already knew, due to the fact that he was also present for the twins' assertion and his ears functioned perfectly well.

"Munkustrap, you must _do _something!" Skimbleshanks implored of the striped tom.

"Okay, first of all," Munkustrap began, "if the sky really were falling, it's not like _I_ could do anything about it— I mean, come on guys, I may do every damn thing in this place myself, but I draw the line at holding up the friggin' sky. Second of all, I'm actually insane and twisted but you don't know it yet, so I wouldn't help even if I could."

"But you're our only hope!" Skimbleshanks protested.

"Um, no, I think that line goes to Mistoffelees."

"...Oh yea, you're right." Skimbleshanks turned around and darted back across the clearing to where Mistoffelees was sitting and repeated his entreaty with equal enthusiasm. Everyone else, by the way, was completely ignoring Skimbleshanks' frenzy and gossiping among themselves like bunch of preschoolers.

Mistofelees stared at Skimbleshanks. "And.... what do you want _me_ to do about it?"

"You must use your effeminate magic and set all to right again!" Skimbleshanks explained, as though it were plain as day.

"I prefer the term 'ambiguous,' and Skimbleshanks, in case you haven't noticed, the sky _isn't falling_!"

Before the railway cat could assert his claim, Pouncival suddenly popped between them, waving his arms and yelling "Comic relief!" repeatedly.

"What the EYAF?" came the obscure Internet reference from Tumblebrutus, who managed to pull his friend away from the discussion that clearly the fate of the junkyard, not to mention the world, depended upon.

"Uh, anyway, Skimble, you can clearly see that the sky is _not_-"

"MACAVITY!" Demeter shrieked.

"WHERE?!" the jellicles screamed after her.

"Psych!" she snorted. The entire company groaned. "_Man_, you guys are gullible."

"That is true," Munkustrap agreed loudly, with a nod that absolutely no one took into consideration.

"_Anyway_," Mistoffelees continued to Skimbleshanks, "I completely forgot what we were talking about."

"Yea, me too," the railway cat admitted, scratching his head.

"Great... so go away."

"What? But we're obviously best friends or maybe more— I mean, we dance together a lot."

"That's purely coincidental."

"No such thing, I say!"

"I need sex!" Bombalurina abruptly hollered over the outraged Skimbleshanks.

"I need it more!" Tugger shouted.

"But I'm actually more complicated than that," Bombalurina claimed, "because I'm a slut, but I've really got a heart of gold, but I'm still bitchy sometimes, and it makes my love life unfulfilling and my existence unsatisfying."

"I can do better," Tugger snapped. "Under my sexy demeanor, I hide that I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm also generous and loving at core and just need the right person to bring that out in me, but I'm _also_ actually angsty because of my dark hidden past _and _I'm really a great leader and fighter when I'm given the chance to step up to the occasion." The Rum Tum Tugger crossed his arms and struck a 'what now, bitch?' pose.

Bombalurina pouted. "Fine, you win."

"MACAVITY!" Demeter screamed.

"SHUT IT!" the Jellicles replied.

"...Jk?"

"Hey wait a minute, I thought _I_ was the annoying one?" Etcetera piped up. "Does this mean I have to be all dark and suicidal now, and write bad poetry and listen to emo music?"

"Hm," Mistoffelees puzzled. "This does pose an interesting predicament in the space-time continuum if quantum flux capacitors within the matter anti-matter sensory inhibitors combine highly-focused apertures of temporal fragments."

"Your magic continues to bamboozle us, Mistoffelees," Skimbleshanks admired gravely.

"Comic relief!" Pouncival proclaimed, bounding up and down.

"No need, we already had that from the trek tech joke," Alonzo reproached.

Pouncival stopped mid-bounce and tears welled in his eyes. "I'm so unloved!!" he shrieked.

Alonzo rolled his eyes. "Well don't go emo all of the sudden! Tugger and Etcetera are already emo, we've got emo covered, see? We've got the stoners, the idiot, the betrayer, the smart one, the whore, and then _I'm_ the sensible one-"

"I don't fit in!!" Pouncival wailed.

"Fine, you're just the wannabe then," Alonzo dismissed, giving up explanations.

Pouncival blinked. "Hey you're right!" he realized, grinning happily at Alonzo. "Thanks man, I never would have discovered my true identity without you!"

Alonzo glanced at him warily. "Watch it pal, we're not in queue for the slash couples either."

"Oh yea... sorry."

"Victoria!" Plato addressed the white queen dramatically. "You must choose between me and Mistoffelees!"

Mistoffelees was taken off-guard by this. "Wait, what?"

"I can't choose!" Victoria proclaimed, devastated. "I love you both!"

"You _love _me? When did _that_ happen?" Mistoffelees gaped, completely at a loss. "And aren't we related?"

"You have betrayed meeee!" Plato exclaimed, pointing at Mistoffelees instead of Victoria.

"But _I_ didn't _do _anything!"

"...Comic relief?" Pouncival tried, before Plato began charging at Mistoffelees.

It seemed nothing would save the poor tuxedo cat now, but Tumblebrutus quickly devised a plan from his obscure Internet references.

"It's peanut-butter-jelly time!" he announced.

Immediately, the Jellicles leapt up to do the banana dance, thus saving the conjuring cat.

"Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!" The crowd sang.

"See, _this_ is why I'm evil," Munkustrap sighed. His statement was of course completely ignored.

"MACAVITY!" Demeter shrieked.

The crowd stopped dancing and rounded on Demeter, but then a horrible laugh pierced the air.

"...Oh shit, it really _is_ Macavity," Demeter realized at the same time as the rest of the tribe. "Who'd a thunk?"

"Bwahaha!" Macavity bellowed. "Ha! ...Hahaha... ha...ha... haaaa..."

"Are you gonna abduct somebody or what?" Alonzo asked impatiently.

"Yea yea, I'm getting to it. I have to kill some people on the way."

With that, he swooped down and promptly murdered Asparagus, Admetus, and Exotica. In their dying words, they weeped, "We were so expendabllllleee...."

Macavity turned towards Demeter. "Oh shit!" she exclaimed, diving behind Jemima and using her as a shield. But to everyone's surprise, he did not go for Demeter, but instead suddenly grabbed Mistoffelees.

"_M_e???" Mistoffelees protested. "Why _me_?!"

"Ha! Suckaaah!" Demeter hooted from behind the still obliviously sweet Jemima.

"Because!" Macavity said, and proceeded to give no further explanation.

"...Because?" Misto prompted.

Macavity looked surprised to be further questioned.

"It's... what I do."

"Yea, but why to me?"

"Uh... I know this one... okay, yea, it's because you thwarted my whole Old D kidnapping thing before, and now I better take revenge by raping you or something."

"Whaaat? Oh come on, no fair," Mistoffelees whined. "Aren't you straight, anyway?"

"Well, aside from that having nothing to do with rape, my sexuality is as ambiguous as anyone else's. Besides, I'm not really psycho, I'm just misunderstood."

"Oh, ok then."

With that, the two disappeared from sight.

Tugger threw himself to the ground and screamed, "NOOOOOO!"

There was a silence.

"...'Kay I'm done," he said, getting up.

Everyone stared at each other blankly.

"Um..." Alonzo scratched his ear. "Well this is kinda awkward."

"Should we be... you know, _doing_ something?" Electra asked, glancing at Munkustrap, who seemed entirely uninterested in anything that just passed.

"...Oh for the love of crap!" Jellylorum snapped, standing majestically. "Get up, y'all and let's go save the Trekkie!"

Without further ado, the tribe was rallied and ready to somehow seek out Macavity's hiding place and rescue their beloved magical cat, stepping over the dead bodies carelessly as they paraded out. Bustopher Jones and Jennyanydots were too fat to keep up, so they remained behind with the carcasses.

Meanwhile, on the way to Macavity's dark and evil lair, Mistoffelees was getting bored fast.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"_No_."

"...Are we there yet?"

"**N**- oh, yes we are."

"Finally! Your levitation powers are for crap."

"Yea? Well you're... short."

Mistoffelees glanced around at his dim and dank surroundings. "A shack?" he said incredulously. "How cliché is _that_?"

"Okay, _you_," Macavity pointed menacingly, "need to shut up now," he said, cornering the small black and white tom. "And I..." he began as he awkwardly shifted Mistoffelees around, "need to figure this out... what position do you think is best for this?"

The conjuring cat pondered this. "Well technically you could use any of them, but I guess front to back would be easiest."

"Right... so, uh, if you want to just turn around then..."

Mistoffelees lifted a brow. "You have no idea what you're doing, have you?"

"Ah... no actually."

"Hm... well, I can't really help you on that one, you're really on you're own— hey wait a sec, I've got an idea! Why don't _I_ rape _you_ for a change?"

Macavity was immediately relieved. "Oh, would you? That would be a big help."

"Yea, no problem, man."

_Meanwhile_, the rescue-team was romping along, all pumped up to find Mistoffelees, and realized suddenly that no one had any idea where Macavity's hideout was.

"'At's our cue, ain't it?" Rumpleteazer spoke up.

"Yea 'tis," Mungojerrie agreed. "Oi fellas, guess wot?"

"Huh?" the jelllicles replied. "Guess woot? Wart?"

"_Wot_," Mungojerrie corrected.

"What?"

"Exactly!"

"..._What?_"

"Me an' Jerrie 'ere know where 'ole Macavity is!"

"..._How_?" Alonzo asked suspiciously. The burglars shrugged.

"We're jus' coo' loike tha'."

"Well stop talking, you're illegible dialect is giving me a headache," Munkustrap said. "Just lead the way."

As the others followed Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, Munkustrap took another route unbeknownst to the others and got to the lair before them.

"Macavity!" Munkustrap announced at the mystery cat's door.

"Can you give us a sec?" a muffled voice requested.

"Yea, we're _almost_... _done_..." another voice added.

"Oh, ok sure," Munkustrap immediately agreed. After a few moments and some suspicious, high-pitched noises from within, Munkustrap knocked politely.

"Come in," was the cordial reply.

"Macavity!" Munkustrap began again, his drama regained. "We meet again!"

"You!" Macavity pointed theatrically at Munkustrap. "You betrayed me long ago and told everyone I was an T.S. Elliot hater! They never forgave me since... but in truth, it is _you_ who is the hater!!"

Mistoffelees was contentedly sitting and watching the spectacle before him, without any hint of alarm on his features at all.

"That's right, _brother_!" Munkustrap paused for the audience to gasp. He glanced at Mistoffelees, who was still unsurprised. He cleared his throat. "That's right, **BROTHER**," he repeated.

"So he's you're brother," Mistoffelees noted. "Big deal. Kick his ass already."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, _I'm _actually the good guy here," Macavity pointed out. "_I _should be kicking _his_ ass."

"Well, it depends on how angsty this story is... but you're right, that _is_ more conventional," Misto conceded.

"Cool," Macavity said, and with that punched Munkustrap in the face and knocked him out cold.

"No, no, no, no, no!" Mistoffelees chided. "You're supposed to have the barroom brawl." Macavity stared at him blankly. "You know, you start to win, then he starts to win, then you finally get him in the end."

"_Oh_... oops. What now?"

"Now _I _fight you!" Tugger suddenly proclaimed, appearing at the doorway with the rest of the tribe behind him.

Macavity and Mistoffelees glanced at each other and promptly burst out laughing.

Tugger looked offended. "I'm _serious_, guys!" he said earnestly. "Don't ruin this for me."

"Why _you_?" Mistoffelees asked.

"I'm a good leader when given the opportunity, remember?" Tugger pointed out. "And besides, you're usually my brother and/or lover."

Misto grimaced. "Geez, pick _one_, don't mix _both_!"

"Okay, okay, which do you want?"

"Um... I think I'm feeling the love right now."

"Fine then, lover it is."

"Oh and Munkustrap is bad by the way," Mistoffelees mentioned. "He framed Macavity."

"Oh..." Tugger looked perplexed. "So, should I still fight him?"

"I don't know, it's up to you."

"Well is there any reason to?" Tugger asked logically. "Did he rape you like he threatened?"

"Uh..." Mistoffelees considered his answer. "_Sort of_..."

"Okay, good enough for me," Tugger decided. "Meet your doooooooom!"

Tugger lunged at Macavity. Macavity punched Tugger out cold.

The jellicles stared.

"I'm out," Alonzo said, and left. Others began to follow.

"Comic relief," Pouncival said wisely to the mystery cat. Macavity raised a paw threateningly and Pouncival yelped and ran away.

"Wow, what an epic fail," Mistoffelees sighed as the jellicles all gave up, one by one.

"Seriously," Macavity agreed. "Great friends you got there."

"What do we do with them?" Misto asked, pointing to the unconscious Tugger and Munkustrap.

"Dump 'em somewhere, maybe they'll wake up together and realize their true feelings for each other."

"Or they'll become inseparable friends," Misto added.

"And what about us?" Macavity wondered.

Misto thought on this for a good, long while.

"Eh, let's just be friends with sexual tension."

"Okay, sounds good."

And they all lived happily ever after.

Except Admetus, Exotica and Asparagus of course. They're still dead.

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The End

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Macavity scratched his head. "Wait a minute, where's Old D, anyway?"

"He kicked the bucket a while ago," Mistoffelees informed him.

"Oh snap, so that's technically four character deaths.... this is the best fanfic ever!"

* * *

The End

(For real this time)

* * *

"...Comic relief!"

Pouncival, shut up!

"...M'kay."

You're not supposed to have conversations with the narrator until the author's note!

So once again...

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THE END

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The only thing I can think of that got left out was the plague of original characters. There's already a pretty good spoof of that, though. Reviewers, tell me what I'm missing! If it's good, I'll throw it in.

Otherwise, go ahead and scold me for being the ass that I am. :P


End file.
